If you weren’t watching Sailor Moon as a kid, you missed out on one of the queerest children’s shows of all time.

This queerness didn’t sit well with the companies responsible for the English-dubbed version that aired in North America. So they covered it up. Or tried to. Turns out, straightening out Sailor Moon is harder than it sounds. And in many cases, the end result looked just as queer as the original. Sometimes even queerer.

Here follows a list of attempts by the NA English dub to de-queer Sailor Moon, ranked from most to least effective.

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Moby-Dick, Chapter 94, “A Squeeze of the Hand” is a source of some literary contention.

While critics such as Robert K. Martin assert the obvious––that this scene of Ishmael finding bliss squeezing handfuls of sperm in the company of his fellow sailors is at the very least some kind of metaphor for mutual masturbation among men, if not a covert way of implying such a scene actually took place upon the Pequod––others prefer to pretend this interpretation takes the chapter out of context for the sake of juvenile humor. Indeed, some claim that “sperm” is one of those words that “just DO NOT mean today what they used to mean” and viewing the chapter as an endorsement of homosexual behavior is a mark of the uneducated or naïve.

Fun fact: the word “sperm” has meant the same thing for roughly 600 years now.

Don’t believe me? Let’s ask the dictionary!

sperm /spɜrm/

noun, plural sperm, sperms for 2.
1. semen.
2. a male reproductive cell; spermatozoon.

1350–1400; Middle English sperme < Late Latin sperma < Greek spérma seed, equivalent to sper– (base of speírein to sow seeds) + –ma noun suffix of result

But wait! In the context of Moby-Dick, the word “sperm” is a shortening of “spermaceti”, a waxy substance found in the head of sperm whales. So clearly there is no sexual connotation whatsoev––

sperm whale (n.)

1830, shortening of spermaceti whale (so called because the waxy substance in its head was mistaken for sperm), from spermaceti (1471), from Medieval Latin sperma ceti “sperm of a whale,” from Latin sperma (see sperm) + cetus “large sea animal” (see Cetacea). The substance in olden times was credited with medicinal properties, as well as being used for candle oil.

Use … Sperma Cete ana with redd Wyne when ye wax old. [Sir George Ripley, “The Compound of Alchemy,” 1471]


(Etymology generously provided by etymonline.com. Bolding for emphasis courtesy moi.)

In short, sperm whales are called sperm whales because they contain spermaceti. Spermaceti is called spermaceti because it looks like sperm. The word “sperm” has carried the same meaning since the 1400s. Herman Melville may not have been a flaming homosexual, but Ishmael most certainly is.

Now can we all finally come together and admit that sperm is sperm?

At best, they tolerate each other for Hal’s sake. At worst, they are at each other’s throats competing for Hal’s attention. And quite possibly, every action Poins takes in The Hollow Crown is towards the purpose of proving to Hal that Falstaff is an unfit companion.
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svedburg_was_shagging_a_tranny wow

“Svedburg was shagging a tranny. Wow.”

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with thanks to angevin2 for her help with Elizabethan innuendo


Henry IV, Part I

Henry IV, Part II

More specifically, The Hollow Crown (2012).


William Shakespeare





Prince Hal, aka Harry, is Prince of Wales and heir to the throne. Once his dad kicks it, he becomes King Henry V (and sometimes Harry le Roy). Dude has names out the wazoo. On the surface, he is a medieval frat boy who spends all his time boozing and whoring it up in common taverns with people far below his station and is generally a huge embarrassment to his dad, King Henry IV. In reality, as his very first soliloquy reveals, all this partying is just an act so that everyone will be even more impressed when he becomes king and casts his partyboy past aside to be super competent. He’s gonna be a legend, damnit, and he’s got the whole story already planned out.


Edward Poins, aka Ned and often just Poins, is the second son of a random nobleman, which means while he’s technically aristocracy, he will inherit no land or titles. Traditionally, second sons go into the church or the military to make their way in the world. Poins has decided to screw tradition and settled on petty thievery for a career. Like Hal, he spends a lot of time at Mistress Quickly’s tavern (The Boar’s Head). In The Hollow Crown specifically, he’s very quick to answer insult with violence and hates Falstaff’s guts.

This being Shakespeare, there are of course alternate character interpretations buzzing around. Feel free to pick one at your own discretion.


No, seriously, they do crime.


(Snuggling in Snuggies gifs courtesy of matafari)

Among other things. Like each other.

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Contrary to popular belief, the animated TV series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was not created to provide freaky fetish material for adult men. Its intended purpose is to impart empowering life lessons to young girls. A nice goal to have, and one the show usually meets.

But sometimes it falls short. Way short. Not just missing the bar, but burrowing into the ground under the bar.

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The major issues with the song “Gay Pirates” by Cosmo Jarvis are twofold, somewhat intertwined, and as follows:

1. gratuitous torture porn, and
2. historical inaccuracy.

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